Carrick's Useless Stuff

Stuff John has said, 2004 edition

Wed, 9 Dec 2009 09:36:45 -0500

John, taken summer 2009 What he may look like today (artist's rendering)

I was sifting through the heaps of data on my fileserver the other day when I stumbled across some ancient archives, well, ancient by computer standards. Among the treasures were some MSN logs from as far back as 2003-2004, since John was ignoring me on MSN at the time as he usually is, I decided that I would sift through this log and paste him some of his messages from me from 2004. Here are some of the highlights...

John on his Pentium II-400 running Half-Life II:
"HL2 looks & runs worse then I do after a Harvest Crunch marathon. Torn open-asshole, wide open."

John on bathing:
"well theres a new moon, time for a bath."

John loves television, and chips:
"i've gotta go eat some chips and watch Road to anal Attrition"

John on workplace etiquette:
"why don't you ninja yourself up and do something productive at work like masterbate on company time."

John on heterosexuality:
"how bout em laker girls eh? Huh, huh, eh, huh? I mean an I right, huh. huh, eh?"

John loves Clay Aiken, more than the everyman.
"just got back from a clay aiken christmast, now i need a shower"

John expresses no concern or love for Terrance Fox:
"I especially enjoyed everything entouring Terry Fox & his imprisonment in carbonite."

John on women in the workforce:
"Dykes, trolls/mongrols, leviathans and primogenitors do not count. But it still sounds like a lot a women there."

John on Taco Bell:
"Did you order constipation, because i heard their constipation in to die for."

I am really not sure...
"M-O-O-N, that spells undescended testicle"

John on my personal medical issues:
"I pray for your colostomy bag every night."

John's response to my suggestion he buys a new computer:
"We'll when pizza pizza replys to my monster add I'll buy one. If dom could make a computer with a scroll saw & a caulking gun he would."

John on TheDom:
"Dom says "Hi my name is Dom and I drive a Ford Taurus!"

John on I have no fucking idea:
"don't make me break the terminology i learT @ schoool that defines me as a custodial technologist."

John's response to some random comment I made in 2004, and probably his response for this article:
"wheres the emoticon for fuckshovel?"

One Man's Opinion: The Top 15 John Petrucci Solos

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:20:57 -0400

This post is something I have been meaning to do for quite some time now. My buddy Joe has harassed me to do something similar called "The Top 10 John Petrucci Solos, and me playing them" however I don't have the 15 years it would require me to learn the top 10 John Petrucci solos, so this will have to do.

I have very carefully selected these solos from the entire Dream Theater, John Petrucci, and Liquid Tension Experiment catalog of both live and studio recordings. Of course there will be some omissions, it's like asking me to pick the Top 15 hottest playmates of all time: there's bound to be some good shit left out. Anyway, this is just one man's opinion, mine, but my opinion is the only one that matters anyway, you fuckers.

On with the list!

15. This Dying Soul
Facemelt: Extreme X 1000
Expressiveness: Low/Moderate
Style: Angry, Extreme Speed
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Train of Thought"

John Petrucci in aggressive mode. Starts out with an extremely quick shredfest with a couple excellent pauses and moves into an extreme unison cockwave session. I love this solo.

Listen!

14. When the Water Breaks
Facemelt: Moderate
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Melodic tracking, with nice flow.
From: Studio Liquid Tension Experiment Album "Liquid Tension Experiment: 2"

When the water breaks was written to express the birth of one of Petrucci's kids... I wish all childbirth was this cool (and didn't include taking home a child). Starts off smooth and expressive and moves into some quick and tasty stuff. Very cool solo indeed.

Listen!

13. Goodnight Kiss
Facemelt: Low / Moderate
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Smooth and Expressive with hints of pentatonic raunch.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence"

The minor key change in the middle of this solo gets me every time, and I am a huge sucker for the slow expressive intro. Some wicked blues riffs in the 2nd half.

Listen!

12. As I am
Facemelt: Extreme
Expressiveness: Low / Moderate
Style: Standard Heavy Shred
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Train of Thought"

Another extreme shredfest from Train of Thought, the heaviest dream theater album to date. Not only does this feature some lightning quick shredding but the pauses and bends are perfect. Great angry tune.

Listen!

11. Lost without you
Facemelt: Low transitioning to High
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Smooth Blues, building, extreme legato
From: Studio John Petrucci Solo Album "Suspended Animation"

This is without a doubt my favorite song from this album. This may be one of John's most expressive solos, I'm glad he finally took the time to record this and put it out there. Thanks John.

Listen!

10. Another Day
Facemelt: Moderate
Expressiveness: Extreme
Style: Guitargasm
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Images & Words"

The first "successful" Dream Theater album was successful for a reason, this song fucking rules god damn you. Why does it rule? Because John decided to unload all over the back of his guitar during the recording of "Another Day", that's why. Also, John's semen is corrosive, so he had to throw that fuckin' guitar out after.

Listen!

9. Blind Faith
Facemelt: Extreme
Expressiveness: High
Structure: Emotional Power Shred
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Six Degress of Inner Turbulence"

This is one of those solos I forgot about until I was listening to the song again one day recently and went "oh yeah, this fucking rules". Short and sweet (short by Petrucci standards anyway).

Listen!

8. The Glass Prison
Facemelt: Face Destroyer
Expressiveness: I could feel myself getting kicked in the face.
Style: Petruccinuts
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence"

This is one of those things that you listen to and go "How is that even possible" and then you look it up on youtube and find a bunch of Guitards trying to duplicate it and failing miserably. This is one of those solos I will never attempt to learn, or if I do, I wont ever tell anyone until I have to go in to get my arthritis fixed. Half sweep, half WTF, potentially the best 40 seconds in music history.

Listen!

7. Freedom of Speech
Facemelt: Low transitioning to High
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Pants Creamer
From: Studio Liquid Tension Experiment Album "Liquid Tension Experiment"

This solo gives me chills every time I hear it. There really is no other way to describe its awesome powers. I'd love to see this one live, that's for sure.

Listen!

6. In The Name of God

Facemelt: Extreme
Expressiveness: Possible cure for cancer.
Style: WTF Gypsy!?
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Train of Thought"

Potentially one of the greatest songs ever created, this solo is among the more unique sounding solos from Dream Theater. I realize that some of this is a unison but whatever, it starts as a solo. Wicked bass backing track and some serious gypsy jam shred.

Listen!

5. Under a Glass Moon
Facemelt: Insane.
Expressiveness: High.
Style: "I know every technique, ever."
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Images & Words"

This is what I think happened during the recording of this solo:

*Lucifer enters room*:
The Devil: "Hey John, I bet you $3 can't make my face, which is constructed entirely of molten lava, melt off..."
*John Petrucci eats a fist full of broken glass*
*John Petrucci picks up guitar and records Under a Glass Moon Solo*
John Petrucci: "... and I fucked your sister."
*Lucifer's head explodes*
The End.

Listen!

4. Live Scenes from New York - Through Her Eyes
Facemelt: High.
Expressiveness: Very High.
Style: On-stage orgasm.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Life Scenes from New York"

Thought not his cleanest work, this half-improvised solo builds very nicely and unloads with large copious amounts of explosive guitarrhea all over the audience. Another one of the few solos that give me chills when I listen to it. This is just proof that John Petrucci can shit on a guitar and that shit will contain nothing but excellence.

Listen!

3. Never Enough
Facemelt: High.
Expressiveness: Extreme.
Structure: Technical Wizardry.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Octavarium"

I never really considered Octavarium to be a guitar-centric album, and this song isn't really an exception to that, except for about 1 minute where one of the coolest unison in the universe takes place. Some fantastic sweeps that express at the speed of light.

Listen!

2. Lines in the Sand
Facemelt: Moderate.
Expressiveness: Extreme.
Structure: Smooth bluesy overload.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Falling into Infinity"

Lines in the sand is from way back when Dream Theater was getting pushed around by bullshit record producers to make more "radio friendly" music... This is kind of an example of them really not falling in line... The solo is long, and way too fucking awesome for FM. Fuck you, producers!

Listen!

And now for the moment 1 person has been waiting for.. my only reader really, Greg.. the #1 petrucci solo of all time

1. The Best of Times
Facemelt: Very High.
Expressiveness: Extremely High.
Style: Petrucci Vs. Jesus, Petrucci Wins.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Black Clouds & Silver Linings"

John Petrucci had it in the 80s and this proves he still has it today. From their most recent album, released just this year, is the best solo John has ever come up with. 3 Minutes of just about everything, slow expressive playing, extremely fast shred, wickedly TASTEFUL and awesome sweeps... all structured in meticulous detail. I only wish they would have mixed it a bit louder.

Listen!

That's it. Check back one day for "Solos by Michael Angel Batio that gave me ear cancer".

Ok.. I know it's been a while

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 08:40:24 -0400

Yes I realize I've kind of neglected... well, not kind of... Ok, I've neglected my site for quite some time now... and I intend on posting something relevant in a while, but I figured I'd soften up you fucks with this first... This gave me quite a chuckle, he obviously didn't realize he didn't hang up the phone. Enjoy. No video, audio only.

I couldn't have said it better myself...

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 10:35:30 -0400

You know, I was just having a discussion with a friend about how my blog is not just a cut-n-paste of other people's creative content - but this is just one video I had to put on here.

Fantastically well put. Kudos to The Amazing Atheist.

Florida Vacation 2009!

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 13:14:59 -0400

Palm trees, Ocean, Beach Sand, a stork fishing in the ocean.. These are just some of the things in my immediate view as I write this sentence. Yes, I am on vacation.

Yours truly, in a hammock in Key West.

Those of you who know me, also know that I have been talking about doing this for quite some time. Well I've finally done it and I'm about two thirds into the vacation as I write this. I know well in advance that people back home will be bitching incessantly for me to do a site update about this, and since I've got pretty much nothing to do right now I figured it might be a good idea to get a head start.

So, where to begin. When I planned this vacation, and by planned I mean "roughly outlined", I decided that I wanted to do a vacation that was more of an excursion, an adventure, not something conforming to the normal pay some money get on a plane to a resort and come home... but at the same time, I really like resorts. Anyway, I really enjoy driving, so I decided to take a road trip in combination with a few other things. I set out for a final destination of Key West, Florida. I did make a few stops along the way...

Day 1 - Friday

I decided to take Friday before my vacation as a vacation day, so I could get a jump on things. I was all packed and ready to go (for the most part) Thursday night (Random Writer's note: Storks are not attractive birds at all). I set my alarm for 0745h, got up, had a shower, and hit the road. Hard. I decided to shower before I left because it would probably be the only shower I would have for a couple days. I topped off my diesel supply in Windsor at the Esso station on Howard before eventually crossing into the states at the Bridge. I was of course greeted ever-so-warmly by the border guard insisting on me opening my trunk, and having him rifle through some of my shit. It wasn't the worst border crossing I've ever had, but it wasn't the best either. It was however certainly better than the time John and I decided to "go for a drive" at 0200h on a random weekday and cross into the states. They aren't huge fans of the reason "We're just going for a drive" at the border, apparently, but that is another story altogether.

So, I managed to drive 1000km without stopping, putting me just inside the Georgia state line when I eventually stopped for diesel. (Writer's Note: Beach attendant guy entirely too chipper.). Also note, when I say "without stopping" I mean that literally, 10 hours without stopping. I realized that day that constantly drinking water was a bad idea when making a long drive with the intention of "not stopping". I filled 5 water bottles myself during the trip. Now some might see this drive as "not really a vacation" and for the first hour and a bit I would agree with you, I was restless and bored - but then something happened where I just zoned in and started to enjoy it. It actually went by pretty fast. I spent most of it just listening to tunes or listening/sortof watching movies.

After 14.5 hours I started to feel like it was no longer safe to be driving, and decided to pull off at a rest center for an illegal overnight park. I was just 40 miles from the Florida Border. I managed to catch off/on sleep in my car for about 6 hours.

Day 2 - Saturday

I woke up at about 0650h after a restless and cramped sleep in my back seat in a sleeping bag. It got down pretty cold, it was only about 50 degrees Fahrenheit in the morning (Writers Note: Fuck you, I was in the states, so I can use Fahrenheit... shut up about me using kilometers, too). I had myself an apple from the giant-box of food I had with me and got back on the road.

It was a pretty swift drive into Orlando, with one little stop... I kept seeing, literally constantly, huge billboards for this "Orlando Ticket" outlet store which supposedly sold discount attraction tickets. I was mildly interested, because I planned to go to at least one "Touristy" attraction in Orlando, and after literally 15 or 20 signs, I figured it was worth a look and pulled off at the exit, only to find it was out of business. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE OVERSPENT ON ADVERTISING?! MAYBE?

I soldiered on to Orlando and stopped at a starbucks to grab some internet and something to drink. I managed to find a "4 star" hotel for $50/night + fees, it ended up costing about $61 and I was really looking forward to a shower. I showed up at my hotel (Rosen Plaza Hotel) in Orlando... it didn't feel like a 4 star room, but whatever.

Four Star Hotel Elevator Information System.

I had a shower and decided to go to the outlet mall I had been to back in 07'. I didn't find anything I liked at the outlet mall and was getting tired of walking around so I ended up heading to SeaWorld as my "one touristy theme park" trip. Some people might consider that the wrong choice but I am into marine life so it was like the only option for me. After parking it cost me nearly 100 god damn dollars and I was pretty livid with the pricing, and after the first 20 minutes in the park my mood was getting pretty sour, I just didn't feel it was worth it. After watching their "believe" show before leaving (that's the main event with Shamu) I totally feel I got my money's worth. It was pretty damned impressive.

Dolphin's are adorable, but apparently also assholes.

Polar bears are boring.

Mandatory horse picture for Emily from SeaWorld.

One of the orcas before the show.

Orca "intimidating" trainder.

Oh my fuck.

Chick trainer getting hurled into the air.

Crowd getting soaked, I was amused.

I wonder how much this guy gets paid to do this.

That's impressive synchronization right there..

And that's it for Sea World... I headed out in search of food because I hadn't really eaten anything for the majority of the day, I decided that I wanted some unlimited soup-salad- breadsticks at the olive garden. It was a pretty entertaining visit as there was a 25 minute wait just to get in, and I was a party of one and ended up getting seated at a table for four. When the waiter got to my table I could tell he was annoyed because he was expecting a tip from a party of four, and he was even more annoyed when I ordered the cheapest (and best) item on the menu. I tipped him something like 30% because I felt bad for the guy.

I headed back to the hotel and crashed early for some much needed bed-sleep.

Day 3 - Sunday

I woke up when what I thought was bright-and-early but it actually ended up being about 0930h because of the time change which I forgot about. Also the 1970's alarm clock in my "4 star" room was pretty confusing and had a non-standard AM/PM LED. Whatever, I was doing fine. I had a shower and hit the road for the Kennedy Space Center, the part of the trip I was definitely most excited about. Parking was free, which I was glad to see, and enterence to the visitors center and a full guided tour was only $60.

It was WELL worth it too, I got to see a lot more than I thought I would be able to see. As you can see by the pictures below.

Mockup of several rockets, also some random Asian.

Yes, an alligator at NASA. They are everywhere.

The Space Shuttle, at the launch pad, less than a mile away.

The building used to do final assembly and rollout of space vehicles. Built to accomdate Saturn V's

An ACTUAL Saturn V rocket! (These were used during the Apollo Program.

Some of the Saturn V's main engines

Another shot to show the shear size of this thing... About twice the height of the space shuttle

A shot of the lunar lander cockpit (mockup).

Actual assembly floor of International Space Station Modules. It was Sunday so no workers were present.

After I headed out of there I decided to follow highway 1 (which is the coastal highway) south towards Miami. I stopped briefly at Cocoa Beach, which by the way is not as nice as advertised. I continued on through what I will call "Ghetto Florida" and stopped at a local Subway to grab some dinner, I got to watch the store manager argue with some rich teenage bitch who was stealing pop from the fountain machine (or as he called it SODA. YOU'RE STEALING SODA!!) - It was awkard and uncomfortable.

I kept driving stop and go on the coastal highway until I hit Palm Beach. I decided to steal some wireless internet from a local Plaza and find a hotel. I booked a "2 star" hotel through hotwire and it ended up being the "Inn of America" - When I arrived at the hotel and realized I had to checkin through a plate glass window as if I was buying something at a convenience store in the more delightful parts of Detroit, I was a little bit nervous. When I got to the room though, it was actually a nicer place than the "4 star" I had stayed at in Orlando. Go Figure. (Writers note: Different stork now, a little more attractive than the "nigger stork" from previous... still ugly.)

Went to bed... end of day.

Day 4 - Monday

I got up pretty early (around 0800h) with the intention of doing a local shore dive. I found a local dive shop on the GPS, and headed out, only to find out it was someone's house... Thanks Garmin. I found another local dive shop, and when I arrived I was greeted (or should I say not greeted?) by a guy arguing about his wife or something on the phone, totally ignoring me (the only customer in the store). This guy was what I would describe as a 50's greaser but in Australian form. He continued to bitch on the phone while I continued to stand there. About 4 or 5 minutes passed when he finally got off the phone to attend to me, but he treated it like it was a chore. I asked him if there were any decent shore dives in the area and if I could rent a tank. After some sketchy information he pointed to a tank and said "it'll be that one there" and charged my _$16_ to rent a tank. (SIXTEEN BUCKS? WHAT THE FUCK??) I double checked and asked "The tank closest to the door?" to which he responded "Yes." - I think you can see where this story is going.

Anyway, I grabbed the tank and headed to the area he described... It wasn't looking all that interesting, and there was a lot of boat traffic, and I was by myself without a diver-down flag so I Was already not really confident about this. I decided that I would just stay inland a bit more... I grabbed my gear and threw my regs on the tank only to find out it was empty. I guess in retrospect I should have blew a little air off in the store just to check and make sure, but I didn't. The reason why he didn't see me grab the wrong tank when I left is so he could get back on the phone to bitch. I headed back to the dive shop (pissed off at this point) and demanded a refund. He clicked two buttons on his computer after asking me my last name and supposedly "refunded to my credit card" but didn't ask for my credit card. I have a receipt for the refund but I swear if it doesn't show up they are going to get a lot of angry phone calls and will be signed up for a lot of telemarketer spam. (Writer's Update 14/03/09: Still hasn't shown up on the credit card... Fucking snake, I knew it.)

By the way, the name of the dive shop is "Brownies Palm Beach Divers" Be sure to avoid them. I'll be sure to think of a creative "fuck you" for them.

At this point I was pretty miserable and decided to say fuck it to Miami and the rest of the area - I jumped on the Florida Turnpike (or as I like to call it "Toll booth every 5 fucking minutes highway") and headed for the Keys. Once I got past Miami and reconnected with highway-1 I realized that it was going to be a long trip. There is only ONE road into the keys, and it stops at every town and for the most part the max speed you're going to achieve is only about 45mph, with an abundance of traffic. I made several stops along the way, the nicest was the beach on the Honda Key, which was, well, pretty nice.

The Gulf of Mexico as seen from the Florida Key's.

Bahia Honda State Park - Beach Area

Me, On KEY RAMROD!
I decided to keep on Truckin to key west, where I would wrap up my vacation. When I arrived in key west I pulled off the road and stole some wireless and started to search for what I would describe as a "nicer hotel". I was expecting to pay roughly double what I was paying for the rest of the trip, like $100 a night, well, the only thing you can get in Key West for $100 is apparently nothing but the simplest crap. (Writer's note: Watching beach staff guy and mysterious cigarette smoking woman hit on each other is mildly amusing. She looks like a real ugly Alanis Moresette)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the hotel. I found something called the "Casa Marina Beach Club and resort" on a few different discount hotel sites, namely priceline.com and expedia. Expedia wanted $299/night and Priceline $230/night. I offered as much as $180/night on priceline for a "resort" in Key West but was rejected every time. I decided to bite the bullet and go with 3-nights here for $230/night. Of course thats without the extra fees, the total ended up being about $730 for the the 3 nights, American. A tidy sum to be sure.

Welcome to Key West, Faggio Capital of The USA.

So I headed on to the hotel to checkin, they also want $12/night for parking. Jerkoffs. After arriving in my room and noticing the regular price is $599/night - I started to understand why this place was so expensive. It is pretty damn nice here. In fact I'm typing this right now from a hammock on the beach, strung between two palm trees, overlooking the Atlantic ocean. The resort isn't overly busy either which is nice.

I spent the remainder of the day laying in a hammock playing some guitar at night. Here are some shots of the resort:

Sunset in Key West.

Sunset in Key West.

A super-comfortable hammock.

My handicapped-accessible shower.

The main grounds at the resort.

The beach at the resort.

Ugly resort Stork.

The weather here has been nothing short of spectacular. I did not see any rain the entire trip down or the vacation (thus far). Pretty much everywhere in Florida it has been about 82 degrees during the day and about 70 degrees at night. - Just awesome. Humidity around 60%. Perfect weather.

Day 5 - Tuesday

That brings us to today. (Writer's Note: Parasailing looks awesomely dangerous). I had a decent sleep last night and I'm now laying in the sun in a hammock writing this. I am attempting to tan a bit. I put SPF15 on everywhere except my face which is SPF70. I am starting to think sPF15 might have not been sufficient. I may be sunburnt, I have been out here a while. Weather right now is about 78 degrees, a little windy, and they are offering waverunner rentals all day... I may check it out if it's not ridiculously expensive (which it probably is).

I'm here for 3 nights and will be leaving very early Thursday morning, heading back home to catch a relaxing weekend in familiar territory before work.

I really don't know what I'm going to do for the next couple days... (Writer's Note: This is where I stopped writing for the day... I am now picking this up from home)
Ok, so I decided to go diving. I caught an afternoon charter from Dive Key West (creative name..) and did two one hour dives on the reef out on the Atlantic side. The first tank was what I would describe as not-too-great visibility, I could only see about 30 feet in front of me. There were strong surge currents and the surface was choppy. Depth was about 20 feet. I saw much ocean life and lots of coral. The second dive was a lot better, visibility was reaching into the 75 foot range, though the currents were still quite strong if not stronger. I saw many smaller fish and apparently there was a 4 foot barracuda close by as well as a huge Manta Ray, but I didn't see these unfortunately.

Dive boat, on our return trip on the Atlantic.

That was pretty much it for Tuesday, diving is tiring.

Day 6 - Wednesday

There isn't much to report about Wednesday, it was my last day at the resort and I spent it doing resort type things, like relaxing on the beach, swimming and generally doing not much of anything at all. I went to bed early in anticipation of departing very early Thursday morning...

Day 7 - Thursday

I woke up at 0500h and had a quick shower, a double espresso, and got in the car. My plan was to get out of the Key's really early in the morning to avoid traffic, and it worked. I was well on my way.

I made excellent time through Florida and temperatures stayed in the mid 80's all morning. The were as high as 89 degrees in southern georgia but I soon drove into a wall of cold, temperatures dropped from upper 70's into lower 40's within a 50km stretch of highway. It was nuts. By the time I hit tennesee at night I was driving in a freezing rain storm in the mountains with fog like I had never seen in my life. I carried on, albeit slowly, through the storm and through Kentucky which was also disastrous weather. They must not get much snow up there because every other car was headed for the ditch, I didn't find it all that bad honestly.

After driving for a little bit more than 25 hours only stopping for fuel, I made it home. It kind of felt like an accomplishment just to stay awake that long. I woke up in Key West and went to bed in Tilbury, Ontario. I actually enjoyed the drive believe it or not.

Trip meter displaying the total km's around trip: 5322.7km
Onboard navigation for the total trip. Note a small discrepancy on KM's, the car is more accurate. (radio not always on)

That pretty much sums up the vacation. All in all I would describe it as a very positive experience, minus a few annoyances and a battered and bruised

I hate winter.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:00:59 -0500

The title pretty much sums up my feelings about Canada in general: I hate winter. I get up in the morning to a dark, cold and hostile environment. By the time I get home and relaxed, it's dark out, again. It's dark all the damn time for months out of my year. It seems like the only time its light out is when I'm stuck in my office. Not that it really matters because if you go outside its cold as fuck anyway and you want to go back inside within a minute or two. It was -24.5C outside last Friday, WITHOUT the windchill. I'm not entirely sure that's even a temperature. I'm always amazed by how awful the winters are here, it's like I'm surprised every year and act like it wasn't the exact same the year before. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm certainly impressed that I'm still living in this country. It's probably because I fear change. In fact if you're sitting wondering why I haven't updated my site, I'm sure its because I'm been lazy due to seasonal depression.

My regular readers know I'm a summer guy, I don't bitch when its eleventy billion degrees outside and everyone is dying from heat exhaustion. I live for that shit. Boating, swimming, diving, rockin' the R/C trucks and what not. Long days and waking up to the warm heat of the sun. It's great... so great that I try to hang on to it a little bit longer than most people... In fact I often turn summer activities into winter activities. Thinks like diving, or for example I went out boating a few weeks ago...
Yeah... That's ice.

A wake of smashed inch thick ice, brought to you by 9.9 horsepower of Mercury fury...

More ice ahead, yes, I made it all the way through.

In fact, the only reason I took that boat out of the water because it was because the ice was getting so thick it was unable to break it. The river is frozen now, as is the lake and all the canals and they will remain frozen until some time in late March or early April. It certainly sucks. I think it may be time to start looking for work in a warm climate. Or time to learn how to hibernate, whichever is easier.

The 2009 Jetta - The big review...

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:39:14 -0500

Regular readers of my site probably noticed a few posts about 6 months ago regarding looking a new car. There was at least a half good reason at the time to consider getting one - I had a "shiny new job" coming my way and it was going to pay out nearly double what I am still making now. Yeah, you heard that right, what I'm still making now. Meaning of course that it never really materialized. It turns out the company I was interviewing for turned out to be a bunch of douchebags and were basically interviewing me for a position they didn't even have open. They gave me the "job" but the company owner turned down the creation of the role, so I was stuck.

The problem was they strung me along for a while, a long while, and in the middle of all that I sold my 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer to my buddy Greg and took his Hyundai Accent in on trade. You'll remember that post too. The original plan was to drive the Accent for a while until I was all settled into the new job, save some dough, and buy a brand new Lancer Evolution or something else nifty in the $50,000 MSRP price bracket. Well none of that panned out so I was stuck driving a fucking econobox for 6 months. Right, for 6 months, that means I just bought a new car about a month ago. I could not really handle the Accent anymore and when I heard about the new Jetta TDI I just had to jump on it.

So I bought myself a brand new 2009 Volkswagen Highline Jetta TDI. Not quite the $50,000 bracket, but certainly a nice compromise. It was not an easy feat finding one either. My original plan was to order one in Chatham, in white, but they were telling me the earliest delivery date was February. I was pretty impatient so I called around. Sarina... February, London... APRIL or later... When I called Windsor they had ONE left that had not even arrived yet, and it was in Platinum Grey metallic. I had not seen the color before, so I drove out to have a look. I acted on it immediately as it is a fantastic color on a German saloon car. I was pretty picky about my options too, I wanted the TDI (obviously), in a decent color with the highline package, ESP, and a 6-speed manual gearbox.

I ended up with this:

My 2009 Jetta TDI Highline in Platnium Grey Metallic

The interior of said car... anthracite leather, 6 speed manual

Some of the geek Geek-Features are as follows:

- MK5 Jetta Platform
- 2.0L 140hp (236ft/lb torque) TDI (Turbochared Direct Injection) Diesel
- 16.5:1 Compression Ratio
- High-Pressure Common Rail Injection System
- Diesel Particulate Filter Collection Emissions System - "Green Diesel"
- 6 Speed Manual Gearbox
- Electro-Mechanical Hydraulic Steering (no engine-powered power steering pump!)
- Drive-bi-wire Throttle Control
- Pure CAN-BUS Internal Network
- 140amp Alternator
- Very Large Battery (no idea on cranking power, but its *big*)
- Power-Assisted Cabin Heat (1200watt)
- ESP (Electronic Stabilization Program) - Includes traction control, ABS, electronic brake distribution, more

Some of the rest:

- Platinum Grey Metallic Finish
- Anthracite Colored Violetta Leather
- Power Windows
- Power Locks
- Power Mirrors
- Remote Keyless Entry / Trunk
- 60/40 rear seat split
- Heated Seats
- 20% Tint by TintersDirect

My Current Upgrades:

- Kenwood DNX8120 Navigation Receiver
- Alpine MRP-F250 4 Channel Amp (accent carryover)
- Alpine MRP-M500 Mono Amp
- Alpine Type-R 12" Subwoofer
- Prolink 4-gauge Amp Kit
- Scangauge II w/Xgauge ODB-II Reader

Planned Upgrades:

- Vag-Com Unit
- Dieselgeek Skidplate

Lots of information to absorb there, none of it particularly interesting to the non-car-geek type. Now... I've had the car for a month, you may be wondering why I didn't do an update right away... well, a few reasons, firstly I wanted to get a good feel for the car and I wanted the "honeymoon" period to be over. I also wanted to complete the installation some of my upgrades, and lastly, I'm just fuckin too lazy to update my site all the god damn time.

So, on with the "review"

Here are some images of the car:

09 Jetta, rear.

09 Jetta, interior, stock, as seen from the back seats.

09 Jetta on 16" Rims (the only ones available stock, in canada...) Front wheel

09 Jetta TDI badge, one of the only visual differences between the 05.5/06 models and the 09 is the blue "I"

Now, the good: I really must start off with saying how much I really do enjoy the car. It is a pleasure to drive. It has exceptional get up and go for a car of its weight, size. And not just exceptional get up and go for a diesel, for ANY car in its class. It will push you back in your seat and the highway passing power is outstanding due to the ample amounts of available torque. The diesel takes much longer to heat up than a typical petrol engine - at around freezing air temperatures I average about 15KM of 90KM/h highway driving before reaching full operating engine temperature. No matter, the heated seats and the power-assisted cabin heat provide almost instant comfort in extremely cold temperatures regardless of engine temperature.

The build quality of the car is among best I have seen, it is right up there with BMW. Very thick and heavy paneling, tonnes of insulation, high quality hardware (all torex heads), it just "feels" well built. Domestic brands do not even approach it. The handling is excellent, almost as good as my old Lancer Ralliart which is more of a purist sports car whereas this just feels like an entry level luxury sedan. The ESP System (Electronic Stability Program) is fantastic and serves as both a simple traction control system and also shines when driving aggressively, preventing understeer. The mileage is *excellent* - If I drive like a normal person I can average between 5.2 and 5.5L / 100k on a combination of city and highway per tank. Even driving very aggressively all the time which is what I tend to do, I still average well under 7.0L/100k - usually in the low 6's. The diesel is quiet (and provides LOADS of torque, I had to say it twice!) Yeah, I could probably be doing better mileage in an A4 Jetta or something but who cares? The mileage is still awesome in this car and the power makes it a hell of a lot more fun to drive.

Cabin room is great, I am 6 feet 5 inches tall and I still don't have the seat all the way back or all the way down, which is *very* rare for me. Fuck, ever see a 6'5" guy trying to fit in a G35 or a Crossfire? I'd rather shit on my own face that try and do that again. Apples to oranges I know, but still...

I also really love the community of diesel Jetta owners on the internet willing to help each other out (like tdiclub.com!), they are very knowledgeable and I really don't think think there are resources like this for other cars.

The Not so good, annoying, and just plain bad:

Firstly, the factory "PREMIUM" audio system that was included with this car was among the worst sound systems I have ever heard. Honestly, the word "terrible" isn't sufficient - I prefer to call it the audio equavalent to a baby's diaper full of bad Indian food. The main reason for its awfulness is Volkswagen stripping out the power amplifier for the system which is normally located under the drivers seat and simply running it off the amplifier in the head unit itself, with a whole 22watts peak power per channel (4 channels) which is far too modest to properly drive the 10 speakers located in the doors. Volkswagen doesn't even publish the RMS output of this thing but it has got to be terrible. They had to cannibalize the frequency range of the speakers just to get it to not distort at medium volumes. I remedied this by stripping out the deck and replacing it with a Kenwood DNX8120 Navigation unit and powering the door speakers, all 10 of them, with a 4 channel alpine MRP-F250. This is a budget amp, only 40watts RMS per channel but boy does it drive it 1000 times better than the factory deck. If you aren't a big car-audio person, this may not bother you, but it bugged the shit out of me. I really thought I would be able to just tolerate the factory audio for a while before upgrading, well, that lasted all of 3 weeks.

The OEM tires that came with the Jetta also suck, they are Bridgestone Turenzia EL400's or something like that, also known as mediocre ass tires. They are rated like 30th on tire rack, which is a rating I tend to agree with. I am also a little pissed off that many of the features that come standard in the LESS EXPENSIVE US version do not show up here in Canada, features like the 120V AC outlet in the rear console and the proper factory stereo power amplifier. Just another way Canada gets shafted in the global marketplace... I was informed by the shyster sales manager in Windsor that its simply "because the US orders more cars..." - Not quite sure that is entirely accurate.

Now the following isn't directly related to the car, but since I think that owning a car is more than just "the car" I'm going to include it. Volkswagen dealerships, for the most part, are pretty terrible. I did not really enjoy my buying experience at all. I did pay MSRP and got free tint thrown in - that was the best deal I could accomplish and I am an extreme haggler. The financing rate *sucked* and it's going to be painful paying it off too. I didn't really expect much of a discount though due to the availability on these cars so that is not what I'm complaining about. It was more the sales staff at VW Windsor that pissed me off.

Firstly, I found them to be extremely disorganized. The new guy I was dealing with was pretty awful at his job, the sales manager struck me as a bit of a fast talking shyster but was alright I guess. I know how to deal with people like that so I didn't really find him intimidating or annoying. My sales person missed a bunch of stuff in the actual paper signing, such as handing me a radio card without an unlock key on it.

They also failed to fill up the coolant overflow when I bought it. As you can see from this picture, this is a day after I bought the car, the engine is warm in this shot and is just barely making the lowest "MIN" mark on the overflow...

09' TDI Engine, 2.0L Turbo Diesel... Check out that coolant level...

They sold me on the 6 year/160,000km extended warranty at $3,000 - which was fine, I bought it for one reason only - resale value. People get a warm fuzzy feeling when you tell them your used car still has a year of warranty left and a whole bunch of kms. I am the kind of person that wants a new car every 4 or 5 years because I really do love driving and I love driving nice cars, so I don't intend on keeping this forever. That may change, but for now, this extended warranty is just a resale booster more than an insurance policy (of course, it is that too, I will definitely own this car well beyond its 80,000km factory warranty, which sucks by the way).

I do not intend on getting the car serviced at the dealership. Which brings me to my next point, the anal VW warranty. They basically made me feel like an asshole for not wanting to get my oil changes done at the dealership, and also included that if I didn't fucking have written proof basically written by GOD himself that I did the oil changes every 15,000km with the proper oil they would deny any oil related damages. Honestly I don't trust them to do even the simplest things, like changing the fucking oil. I quizzed the service desk at Chatham VW and I asked them what kind of oil they would use in my car and they said 505, when I informed him that only 507 was allowed in my car he said "oh, then that's what we'll use" - Oh good. That makes me feel so much better, asshole.

The upgrades...

That concludes my bit about the car, now I'm gonna carry on a bit about the upgrades I've added to the car, mostly the improved audio system. I just couldn't put up with the god awful Premium VII 6Disc Deck that came with the car so that was the first thing to go. I debated getting the work done by a few local audio shops, all of which are pretty much ass rapists, so I decided to do it myself. I trust myself more than anyone else anyway.

The first thing I did was install my "old" Kenwood 991 from the Hyundai which is their current top-of-the-line single DIN unit, no amps, no sub, just the deck was changed. I couldn't believe the difference it made, it gave me the confidence that the 10 door speakers in the car were decent enough, just needed to be driven by a better amp. I then transferred the rest of the audio gear from the Accent which included an Alpine MRP-F250 four channel amp powering the 10 door speakers at 40watts x 4 RMS continuous output. The next piece was the Alpine MRP-M500 mono block powering the 12" Alpine Type-R sub in ported enclosure. This brought the quality of the audio system up considerably but I didn't feel the Kenwood 991 looked right in the car, I managed to get a decent deal on a Kenwood DNX8120 full sized double din 7" LCD unit with navigation and DVD so I installed that. It is a 5V preout unit with SRS WoWHD and full 13 band equalizers, truly a fantastic piece. Here is what the dash looks like now:

The Kenwood DNX8120 - Powered Off

All in all, I love the new audio system. A few things about the head unit I could do without... It supports DIVX, and USB! Great right? Yeah, it would be if it supported them at the same time. You can only watch DIVX from DVD+/-R, not from USB or even DUAL LAYER discs!? What the hell Kenwood? This is fucking ridiculous since the unit supports both USB and Dual Layer DVD for other uses... would it have been that difficult to add the additional functionality? Also from what I have been able to figure out, there is no easy way to quickly change the subwoofer volume, it is an incredibly cumbersome interface.. in fact its on fucking PAGE TWO of the Audio sub controls... Its like 6 or 7 taps on the touch screen just to access it. I honestly wonder if the engineers at Kenwood listen to music in their cars. I've also had trouble reading some MP3's that worked 100% fine in my Kenwood 991... Barring these three VERY ANNOYING faults the deck is quite good overall. Here are some more images of it operating:

Kenwood DNX8120 in "Trip Computer" Mode

Kenwood DNX8120 Showing an USB stick with MP3's in File List mode...

The amps are pretty entry level Alpine stuff that I got from Factory Auto Sound in Windsor, I gave them some praise on my accent review that was really undeserved. After I tore out the audio gear in the accent I found they didn't use solder/shrinkwrap on their deck install, just twisted wires and electrical tape. Didn't find that too impressive, also I think I got overcharged quite a bit. My install was done correctly in the Jetta, because I did it myself. I ran a 4 gauge amp kit from the battery down the left side wiring channel on the bottom trim of the car and all the audio down the right side wiring channel on the bottom trim of the car. Need to tidy up some of the wiring into the trunk but its very clean in the dash. It is grounded 8 gauge to a seat belt bolt and a very very hearty copper terminal. It is not going anywhere, that's for sure. Some people would disagree with grounding to a seat belt bolt, but they would of course be wrong. To me this was a far more logical solution rather than drilling into the chassis. The seat belts are held in by massive high grade 3 square head bolts that go directly into clean unpainted threads into the chassis. Here is a shot of the amps mounted to the rear seat backs, I could have mounted them to the sub box, but I prefer the option of removing the subwoofer when the trunk space is required.

Rear-seat mounted amplifiers, and the rear view of the 12" Alpine Type-R enclosure.

The last of the currently installed upgrades is my Scangauge II, I couldn't live without it. I noticed that is far more accurate (once initially calibrated) at reading fuel consumption statistic than my factory MFD, which is sort of sad. It's also way, way more accurate at reading coolant temperature than the gauge on the dash. Shot of the mounted Scangauge:

Mounted on the sterring column, does not obstruct other gauges

The future planned upgrades are a dieselgeek skidplate to protect the engine area from damage - The oil pans on these cars are quite fragile and a firm hit from ice or a pothole when driving in Detroit (we don't have pot holes in canada) would probably do a considerable amount of physical damage. I am also planning on picking up a Vag-Com device to read/modify vital engine codes and various car data.

Stay tuned in the future for more Jetta related news.

Yeah, I'm still angry at religion.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 09:13:52 -0500

Read my site before? Then this is no surprise to you. I just hate religion. It's rare that I use the word hate and ACTUALLY mean it, however in this case its 100% authentic hate. I was born a "Catholic" then at some point my IQ surpassed 58 and I started to realize maybe I didn't believe a mystical long haired hippy in the sky was running my life. Later on in life I kind of went to an Agnostic mentality, and while I still have at times an Agnostic mentality, I consider myself an Atheist at this point, and a bitter one at that. (Only when it comes to religion, I'm not actually all that bitter in general).

I was most recently pissed off with religion, namely the CATHOLIC religion, this past week when I attended my good buddy Joe's father's funeral. A sad event to say the least, I didn't know the man very well but it is hard to accept that I will not hear 'Joeissanottahome' ever again when dialing up his Toronto residence. I went more as a support for the family, and obviously, Joe. They have my condolences (I'm not sure what that really means, but they have my support too.). Anyway, on to my fucking point... When you fork out a bunch of money for a funeral, and I mean a *BUNCH* of money, like a couple 2009 Kia Rio's worth, I think one should expect that the priest at least knows more about the guy in the casket than what's written on his driver's license.

I was appalled. What a fucking chud this guy (the priest) was, he knew all of about two things about Gino (Joe's Father)... A) His name B) A rough idea of how old he was, 62 or 63. That is where his stream of information fucking ended. He literally kept saying "62 or 63" like he wasn't real sure how old he was so he'd just throw some numbers around like it was some kind of ballpark figure. It's not like someone was asking "How much is that girls gone wild DVD collection?" - "Eh Oh 62 or 63 bucks..." - ITS A FUCKING FUNERAL GET YOUR GOD DAMN FACTS STRAIGHT YOU FUCKSHOVELING BITCHTITTED ASSHOLE. Also, shaving your meatstubble on your face beforehand would have been nice. OH AND Also, maybe it would have been worth mentioning at some point how many kids he had, or what he had accomplished in life, or I don't know, fuck, any personal details at any point... you could have mentioned he owned and loved a white chevy minivan and it would have been better than the bullshit sermon this guy was peddling.

Now I know what you're thinking at this point: "Ok! We get it, So the guy was a dick, what's this got to do with Catholicism?" - Well I'm getting to that part, asshole. Slow your role. Why is it every time a Catholic priest opens up his fuckin' meat trap he's gotta be trying to instill the fear of eternal damnation with every second word into everyone around him - it is a never ending fear driven recruitment speech. I would say a good 70%, literally SEVENTY PERCENT of the Funeral Service was this fucking chud of a priest telling everyone in the room that if you don't go to church, and confess your sins, you are destined for what he called "ETERNAL DEATH" which sounds more like a fucking Schwarzenegger movie than postmortem pastime. He literally asked for audience participation at one point with "When is the last time you went to confession?" - I'm not sure if he actually expected answers but I was gonna ask him "When is the last time you got layed? - Christ be with you, fuckface" - His behavior was just a huge disrespect to the family and to the memory of the dude who is in the box, which is what the whole thing SHOULD be about.

Now I've been to other funerals, and I gotta say, not all religions are like this. I went to a co-workers funeral a few years back and he was an African-Canadian Baptist and it was by far the most up-beat funeral I've ever been too. Sure it was sad, but they talked about the guy through the whole thing and all the great things he had done, it was real light on the crazy-religious-talk. I think most people left that one feeling BETTER than when they went in which I think should be the point. They were just trying to put the FUN back in FUNeral. Eh, get it? Fuck that's clever, plus I am sure you were expecting that one.

Anyway - all you religious nut jobs seriously need to change your recruitment tactics. Fear mongering is not the best way to get someone to follow you, also, doing so at a funeral should be the offense that earns you "eternal death".

That is all.

Kijijitard Responds

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:32:06 -0400

Read the update previous to this one to understand what this is all about...

Sure enough not five minutes after replying to Kijijtard's sweet "Sports Car" add seen below, I get this gem of a response and it's pretty much exactly what I expected:

From: chopable@hotmail.com
To: hoeser_eh@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Reply to your "**CUSTOMIZED CAVALIER Z24-BODYKIT-RIMS-LOWERED-SAFTIED & ETET**" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:31:20 -0400

ohhh that hurt me sooo much (NOOOT) LOl HAHAHAHA....i guess all u do is go on here and bother ppl with the whips...
just by seeing your email address i can tell your a red neck, couson fucking and goat fcuking hick....which is still pretty 
funny....and my address is right ont he website so why dont u coe here and say this shit to my face rather then hiding 
behind a fucken comp screen, now who looks pathedic?? i believe u do hahahaha....u talk a big game so come by and 
prov it..if not go fucken bother someone else dumbass

That's pretty much what I do whenever anyone disrespects my ride, yo. I challenge them to drive to my house and fight me, and of course inform them of their natural desire to preform acts of incest on their extended family. Also, farm animals. Well... you all know me... I naturally just have to feed the bears...


Cool... Cool...

So where did you go to College? Your writing skills are highly refined. Also, you're right. 
I am a huge redneck "couson fucking and goat fcuking hick" - It is my favorite pastime. It's just swell!

Cheers,

-David.

PS: You're still gay.

More to come (I can only hope).

I love Kijiji, but I hate people.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:21:02 -0400

I spend good chunks of my day browsing adds on Kijiji in the used car section and every now and then I'll find a real Gem, like this PIMPED OUT RIDE right here:

Yep. That wing is what keeps it planted on the track.

Clearly this thing is fantastic example of why I pretty much hate people in general. And it only gets worse from there. Here is the actual contents of the add:

	**CUSTOMIZED CAVALIER Z24-BODYKIT-RIMS-LOWERED-SAFTIED & ETET**
Price: $2,999.00 

Street address: BRAMPTON View map
Location: London, Ontario 
Date Listed: 30-Sep-08 


Hi I am selling a 1998 Chevrolet Cavalier Z24 that comes with the following:
 
OUTSIDE
-Fully Customized Bomex Body Kit
-16 Inch Rims (from a 2000 Z24)
-Spoiler
-Dual Exhaust
-Euro Lights
-Lowered ( with KYB struts and springs )
-Underglow ( Changes colours )
-Tinted Windows
-Clear Head Lights (with blue)
 
INSIDE
-Automatic
-156,000 Original KM
-Strut Bars
-Cold Air Intake
-Remote Starter (which includes power locks and Alarm all hooked up)
-Clarion CD Player
-Clarion Speakers all around (4)
-Power Locks
-Power Windows
-Power Mirrors
-Power Sunroof
-Chiped ECU
-Black Interior (Custom)
 
*No Trades*
 
*Brand new front brakes and rotors, brand new back brakes and drums, brand new ebrake cable, 
oil changed (done on Septemeber 22, 2008).Nothing wrong with car at all*
 
**Asking $2999 OBO SAFTIED & ETESTED**(Etested Sept 17, 2008)
 
***If interested please call 416 880 7812, if no answer please leave a voice mail with your name 
and number. Thank You***

Yeah, it's pretty much the coolest car on the road, and if that doesn't convince you, here are pics from a few more angles!

OMG It's missing the Chevy badge, I almost though it was a Porsche!

SWEET UNI-WIPER, FAG!

It needs that stabilizer bar to keep the wheels planted in high speed cornering through the Tim Hortons drive through.

In fact, this car was so awesome that I just had to send in a message on the add, I can only hope I get a response to my totally reasonable set of questions:

Hi There! 

I'm sorry, I just had to ask... I'm just curious, did you at some point think this car was cool? (hint: It isn't.) 
Also, what is the required level of Aquavelva you need to put on before driving it. Does it require you wear a pink 
shirt with a popped collar before it will start? One more thing, did you get that wing at Canadian tire? I'm sure it 
provides an excessive amount of totally required downforce for your daily commute to your night job at 
Greasy Terry's Chicken n' Wings. 

Please respond as it is imperative to my decision to further insult your vehicle. 

Warm Regards, 

-David. 

PS: You're gay

Let's hope he responds!