Read my site before? Then this is no surprise to you. I just hate religion. It's rare that I use the word hate and ACTUALLY mean it, however in this case its 100% authentic hate. I was born a "Catholic" then at some point my IQ surpassed 58 and I started to realize maybe I didn't believe a mystical long haired hippy in the sky was running my life. Later on in life I kind of went to an Agnostic mentality, and while I still have at times an Agnostic mentality, I consider myself an Atheist at this point, and a bitter one at that. (Only when it comes to religion, I'm not actually all that bitter in general).

I was most recently pissed off with religion, namely the CATHOLIC religion, this past week when I attended my good buddy Joe's father's funeral. A sad event to say the least, I didn't know the man very well but it is hard to accept that I will not hear 'Joeissanottahome' ever again when dialing up his Toronto residence. I went more as a support for the family, and obviously, Joe. They have my condolences (I'm not sure what that really means, but they have my support too.). Anyway, on to my fucking point... When you fork out a bunch of money for a funeral, and I mean a *BUNCH* of money, like a couple 2009 Kia Rio's worth, I think one should expect that the priest at least knows more about the guy in the casket than what's written on his driver's license.

I was appalled. What a fucking chud this guy (the priest) was, he knew all of about two things about Gino (Joe's Father)... A) His name B) A rough idea of how old he was, 62 or 63. That is where his stream of information fucking ended. He literally kept saying "62 or 63" like he wasn't real sure how old he was so he'd just throw some numbers around like it was some kind of ballpark figure. It's not like someone was asking "How much is that girls gone wild DVD collection?" - "Eh Oh 62 or 63 bucks..." - ITS A FUCKING FUNERAL GET YOUR GOD DAMN FACTS STRAIGHT YOU FUCKSHOVELING BITCHTITTED ASSHOLE. Also, shaving your meatstubble on your face beforehand would have been nice. OH AND Also, maybe it would have been worth mentioning at some point how many kids he had, or what he had accomplished in life, or I don't know, fuck, any personal details at any point... you could have mentioned he owned and loved a white chevy minivan and it would have been better than the bullshit sermon this guy was peddling.

Now I know what you're thinking at this point: "Ok! We get it, So the guy was a dick, what's this got to do with Catholicism?" - Well I'm getting to that part, asshole. Slow your role. Why is it every time a Catholic priest opens up his fuckin' meat trap he's gotta be trying to instill the fear of eternal damnation with every second word into everyone around him - it is a never ending fear driven recruitment speech. I would say a good 70%, literally SEVENTY PERCENT of the Funeral Service was this fucking chud of a priest telling everyone in the room that if you don't go to church, and confess your sins, you are destined for what he called "ETERNAL DEATH" which sounds more like a fucking Schwarzenegger movie than postmortem pastime. He literally asked for audience participation at one point with "When is the last time you went to confession?" - I'm not sure if he actually expected answers but I was gonna ask him "When is the last time you got layed? - Christ be with you, fuckface" - His behavior was just a huge disrespect to the family and to the memory of the dude who is in the box, which is what the whole thing SHOULD be about.

Now I've been to other funerals, and I gotta say, not all religions are like this. I went to a co-workers funeral a few years back and he was an African-Canadian Baptist and it was by far the most up-beat funeral I've ever been too. Sure it was sad, but they talked about the guy through the whole thing and all the great things he had done, it was real light on the crazy-religious-talk. I think most people left that one feeling BETTER than when they went in which I think should be the point. They were just trying to put the FUN back in FUNeral. Eh, get it? Fuck that's clever, plus I am sure you were expecting that one.

Anyway - all you religious nut jobs seriously need to change your recruitment tactics. Fear mongering is not the best way to get someone to follow you, also, doing so at a funeral should be the offense that earns you "eternal death".

That is all.

Read the update previous to this one to understand what this is all about...

Sure enough not five minutes after replying to Kijijtard's sweet "Sports Car" add seen below, I get this gem of a response and it's pretty much exactly what I expected:

---

From: chopable@hotmail.com
To: hoeser_eh@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Reply to your "**CUSTOMIZED CAVALIER Z24-BODYKIT-RIMS-LOWERED-SAFTIED & ETET**" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:31:20 -0400


ohhh that hurt me sooo much (NOOOT) LOl HAHAHAHA....i guess all u do is go on here and bother ppl with the whips...
just by seeing your email address i can tell your a red neck, couson fucking and goat fcuking hick....which is still pretty 
funny....and my address is right ont he website so why dont u coe here and say this shit to my face rather then hiding 
behind a fucken comp screen, now who looks pathedic?? i believe u do hahahaha....u talk a big game so come by and 
prov it..if not go fucken bother someone else dumbass

---

That's pretty much what I do whenever anyone disrespects my ride, yo. I challenge them to drive to my house and fight me, and of course inform them of their natural desire to preform acts of incest on their extended family. Also, farm animals. Well... you all know me... I naturally just have to feed the bears...

Cool... Cool...

So where did you go to College? Your writing skills are highly refined. Also, you're right. 
I am a huge redneck "couson fucking and goat fcuking hick" - It is my favorite pastime. It's just swell!

Cheers,

-David.

PS: You're still gay.  

More to come (I can only hope).

I spend good chunks of my day browsing adds on Kijiji in the used car section and every now and then I'll find a real Gem, like this PIMPED OUT RIDE right here:


Yep. That wing is what keeps it planted on the track.

Clearly this thing is fantastic example of why I pretty much hate people in general. And it only gets worse from there. Here is the actual contents of the add:

---

	**CUSTOMIZED CAVALIER Z24-BODYKIT-RIMS-LOWERED-SAFTIED & ETET**
Price: $2,999.00 

Street address: BRAMPTON View map
Location: London, Ontario 
Date Listed: 30-Sep-08 


Hi I am selling a 1998 Chevrolet Cavalier Z24 that comes with the following:
 
OUTSIDE
-Fully Customized Bomex Body Kit
-16 Inch Rims (from a 2000 Z24)
-Spoiler
-Dual Exhaust
-Euro Lights
-Lowered ( with KYB struts and springs )
-Underglow ( Changes colours )
-Tinted Windows
-Clear Head Lights (with blue)
 
INSIDE
-Automatic
-156,000 Original KM
-Strut Bars
-Cold Air Intake
-Remote Starter (which includes power locks and Alarm all hooked up)
-Clarion CD Player
-Clarion Speakers all around (4)
-Power Locks
-Power Windows
-Power Mirrors
-Power Sunroof
-Chiped ECU
-Black Interior (Custom)
 
*No Trades*
 
*Brand new front brakes and rotors, brand new back brakes and drums, brand new ebrake cable, 
oil changed (done on Septemeber 22, 2008).Nothing wrong with car at all*
 
**Asking $2999 OBO SAFTIED & ETESTED**(Etested Sept 17, 2008)
 
***If interested please call 416 880 7812, if no answer please leave a voice mail with your name 
and number. Thank You***

---

Yeah, it's pretty much the coolest car on the road, and if that doesn't convince you, here are pics from a few more angles!


OMG It's missing the Chevy badge, I almost though it was a Porsche!


SWEET UNI-WIPER, FAG!


It needs that stabilizer bar to keep the wheels planted in high speed cornering through the Tim Hortons drive through.



In fact, this car was so awesome that I just had to send in a message on the add, I can only hope I get a response to my totally reasonable set of questions:

---

Hi There! 

I'm sorry, I just had to ask... I'm just curious, did you at some point think this car was cool? (hint: It isn't.) 
Also, what is the required level of Aquavelva you need to put on before driving it. Does it require you wear a pink 
shirt with a popped collar before it will start? One more thing, did you get that wing at Canadian tire? I'm sure it 
provides an excessive amount of totally required downforce for your daily commute to your night job at 
Greasy Terry's Chicken n' Wings. 

Please respond as it is imperative to my decision to further insult your vehicle. 

Warm Regards, 

-David. 

PS: You're gay

---

Let's hope he responds!

Yeah that's right people: I'm finally writing it down.

Chances are if you had conversation with me extending past a few hours I've probably burst into a Ford Mustang rant, and with good reason. I honestly can't think of a more over-hyped sports car, muscle car, car-car, or whatever you want to call the thing. I prefer to call it a Stale-Vagina Magnet.

Ford Mustang owners generally fall into one of two categories:

Category 1: The Douchebag

See above for the most common and typical Mustang owner. Generally these are the guys that buy the "higher end" mustangs, these aren't your LX, L, or GL owners boys and girls, these are the dudes that spring for the "GT" and "5.0" models. These are the guys that start conversations at Tim Hortons just to brag about how awesome their "5.0L" mustang happens to be, starting and ending almost every sentence with the word "guy". Stuff like "Guy I put a fuckin' cold air intake in it, Guy! I'll smoke you!" and "There's no replacement for displacement, guy!" - They always think they have the fastest car on the road, and they are generally looking for the second category of Mustang owner:

Category 2: The Cock-Hungry Car Chick

These are the buyers of the G, GL, LX, and "Pony Package" I4 and V6 Mustangs. At first glance, she's not bad looking right? Fucking WRONG! Look at that face, a face that only a drunken Scottish homeless man named "O'Shamus The O'Rapist" could love. The only thing I see in that picture is a sloppy worn out late 20's-early 30's woman with 3 kids and a boyfriend nicknamed "Nails" or "Hammer", perched a top a poorly made, overweight and underpowered American monstrosity.

The fact is, the Ford Mustang has never been mass produced as a truly capable performance car. To this day the stupid thing STILL has a live rear axle, meaning it goes around the corners with the same fineness as a school bus. They have always build them with ridiculously over hyped engines, even to this day, the 2008 Ford Mustang GT (the most powerful GT EVER) comes with a 4.6L V8 engine producing only 300 horsepower. Japanese manufacturers easily extract this much power from lightly-turbocharged inline 4-cylinder engines for fuck sakes! Germans are able to extract 430hp from a naturally aspirated 4.2L V8 (see Audi RS4). I'm actually taking the best possible example Ford has ever come up with not withstanding Cobra, Bullit, "tuner" mustangs, etc. In 1998 the GT still came with a 4.9L V8 producing only 215hp. As recently as 2003 the top-of-the-line (regular line, anyway) Ford Mustang GT 4.6L produced a depressing 260hp.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these cars aren't quick in a straight line, I just think they are WAY overstated.

I think it is now time to review the worst of the worst, that's right - The worst of the ford mustangs. This is kind of like watching the Special Olympics and trying to figure which competitor is the most retarded. In no particular order:

The 1983 Ford Mustang GL Convertible

Fucking awesome isn't it? And those hubcaps, so very glamorous. This bad boy was avaliable with the 2.3L Inline 4-Cylinder engine producing an astonishing 88 horsepower.

The 1984 Ford Mustang SVO Turbo First of all, this car has too little performance and too much name. Something like "SVO" (special vehicle operations) and "Turbo" should be impressive, not so with this car. This was _the best_ Ford Mustang of 1984, it was built be cause the "Ford Mustang GT Turbo" just didn't impress people. This car featured a 2.3L Inline 4-Cylinder engine and an "SVO" turbo setup producing 14lbs of boost, the power output of this engine is a depressing 175 horsepower.

The 1995 Ford Mustang GT
I feel this car needs to be included simply because it is the most common douchebag driven Ford Mustang. Mainly because the price point of this car makes it accessible to even the most unsuccessful high school dropouts. This car came with of the 5.0L OHV V8 engine producing a whopping 215hp.

Random comments from reviews of this car include:

"The fastest I've had this car up to is 110mph I would have gone faster, but the engine started to make a weird noise, so I didn't push it any harder."

"I don't like the arm wrests on the doors, as they are made of cheap plastic."

"It does have a tendency to be a little rough cornering."

"It's the fucking best, guy!"

Well I'm sold. Sign me up. Tune in soon for my review of my 2nd favorite car, the Toyota Prius.

Have you ever heard of a "Lowest Price Guarantee" ?

Of course you have. It is a pretty basic concept, right? If you find the same item somewhere else for less money, the place with the "Lowest Price Guarantee" will either match (which doesn't make sense, how does that make it the "lowest"?) or beat the price the price of the competitor. Future Shop has a mother fucking enormous, giant, fucking humongous banner right next to their customer service desk displaying proudly in bold white letters on a red back drop "Lowest Price Guarentee" in size fucking ten million font. Each letter in the three word sentence was the size of my head, and my head is bigger than most ripe watermelons.

Anyway, on with my story... I went to future shop to buy this:



That is a Phillips DV-400V-K "Upconverting" HDMI DiVX DVD-Player with a front USB port. Pretty handy device. I recently bought a 37" LG LCD for my room and I wanted a suitable, cheap, DVD player to go with it. This DVD player does everything I need it to do. What is it worth you ask? Well if you ask Future Shop, about $146.99. If you ask any me, about $90. And it seems like many retailers agree with me. So I looked on line at a few of my favorite online retailers and came across a much better deal at Logic Computer House (www.logiccomputerhouse.com) for the same player, $87.99... no big deal right? Future Shop does have a "Lowest Price Guarantee" where they will beat a competitors price by 10% of the difference. I went off to Future Shop at lunch with Greg, prepared for a simple price match. We loaded up the Logic Computer House price on one of their computers, I grabbed the DVD player, and went off to the Customer Service Counter for a price match.

I was greeted by an ugly, fat, short, mid-50s woman with a scowl on her face like she had just lost a fight with a spider monkey. I put my merchandise on the counter and said I would like to do a price match. She immediately went from scowling to even-more-scowling as if I just asked her to show me her old lady tits. After mobilizing her fat ass to the counter she asked me who I wanted to match with, I said Logic Computer House, I also said that I had loaded an up-to-the-minute price on their computer located just behind me. She immediately proclaimed that they don't match on-line prices. This came as a shock to me because I've done this at least a half dozen times last year and have never had this piece of information relayed to me. I told her that Logic Computer House isn't just an on-line seller, they are also a retail outlet and have 3 locations, two in the GTA and one in Vancouver. That didn't seem to matter to her. I argued with her because her logic was dumbfounding to me, and that's when "Mr.Important" stepped in.

He walked over wearing a "Future Shop" button-up shirt, which obviously gave him an undeserved sense of accomplishment. He was about 55 or 60 years old, clearly a manager, and clearly thought he was the most important person in the store. He came over for a fight, and I was going to give him one. Right away he asked for the website of logic computer house. I watched him key it into the computer after I read it clearly aloud and he typed "logic.computerhousecom" - Clearly computers were invented after his prime. He eventually figured out how to work the keyboard and brought up their website. He kept throwing statements at me that were completely ridiculous "They only sell to wholesalers!" - "They aren't a Pioneer authorized dealer", he even got on his blackberry and called one of the 3 outlets to see if they had any in stock, the particular store he called didn't so that was enough for him. He also made sure to showcase his blackberry as "his phone!" after the call, I think he wanted me to be impressed. I had 2 phones and a pager on my belt at the time. So, good for him? He even told me that he lived in Toronto for "51 years" and has never heard of Logic Computer House. As if that was somehow relevant. He went from condescending to even more condescending, as if somehow I should be impressed by his status as Future Shop manager... right... congratz buddy, I see 18 year old high school drop outs wearing that same outfit. After arguing with him for about 20 minutes I left and decided to rethink my strategy.

During my argument with Mr.Important he presented me with an official future shop document outlining the terms and conditions of the "Price Match" system... only one line is really important to this story:

Our get it for less guarantee ensures that Future Shop and futureshop.ca will beat lower prices advertised, including those on the internet...

So they just make up the rules as they go? That was enough to piss me off and put me into War Mode with Future Shop. I was going to get that fucking player, I just had to figure out how.

Long story made a little shorter, I went back to the store after work and both the Fugly Redhead and Mr.Important were still there. I managed to sneak by them without being noticed. I wasn't sure what to do, I was hoping the shifts would have rotated and Customer Service would have been run by a couple of depressed college kids. I decided to wait it out for a little bit. I browsed the wares for a while, 4 starred two songs on their guitar hero III, on expert, and ended up talking to some high-school kid working in the Games department. I asked him some questions about how price matches were done, and apparently they didn't need to be done by a manager or at Customer Service, anyone could do it. I made my way to the AV department and found the guy who sold me my TV, I presented him with a printed copy of the Logic Computer House site and amazon.com (which by the way isn't even in Canada, thus doesn't apply to price matching) - he had no issues and we did the entire transaction in the back of the store on one of their workstations. I walked out the front door right past the scowling red head, I don't think Mr.Important was around, which was too bad. The best part is the Logic Computer House printout was stapled to my receipt on their end, so when she sees it, she's gonna be pissed.

Fuck you Future Shop!