John, taken summer 2009                               What he may look like today (artist's rendering)

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I was sifting through the heaps of data on my fileserver the other day when I stumbled across some ancient archives, well, ancient by computer standards. Among the treasures were some MSN logs from as far back as 2003-2004, since John was ignoring me on MSN at the time as he usually is, I decided that I would sift through this log and paste him some of his messages from me from 2004. Here are some of the highlights...

John on his Pentium II-400 running Half-Life II:
"HL2 looks & runs worse then I do after a Harvest Crunch marathon. Torn open-asshole, wide open."

John on bathing:
"well theres a new moon, time for a bath."

John loves television, and chips:
"i've gotta go eat some chips and watch Road to anal Attrition"

John on workplace etiquette:
"why don't you ninja yourself up and do something productive at work like masterbate on company time."

John on heterosexuality:
"how bout em laker girls eh? Huh, huh, eh, huh? I mean an I right, huh. huh, eh?"

John loves Clay Aiken, more than the everyman.
"just got back from a clay aiken christmast, now i need a shower"

John expresses no concern or love for Terrance Fox:
"I especially enjoyed everything entouring Terry Fox & his imprisonment in carbonite."

John on women in the workforce:
"Dykes, trolls/mongrols, leviathans and primogenitors do not count. But it still sounds like a lot a women there."

John on Taco Bell:
"Did you order constipation, because i heard their constipation in to die for."

I am really not sure...
"M-O-O-N, that spells undescended testicle"

John on my personal medical issues:
"I pray for your colostomy bag every night."

John's response to my suggestion he buys a new computer:
"We'll when pizza pizza replys to my monster add I'll buy one. If dom could make a computer with a scroll saw & a caulking gun he would."

John on TheDom:
"Dom says "Hi my name is Dom and I drive a Ford Taurus!"

John on I have no fucking idea:
"don't make me break the terminology i learT @ schoool that defines me as a custodial technologist."

John's response to some random comment I made in 2004, and probably his response for this article:
"wheres the emoticon for fuckshovel?"

This post is something I have been meaning to do for quite some time now. My buddy Joe has harassed me to do something similar called "The Top 10 John Petrucci Solos, and me playing them" however I don't have the 15 years it would require me to learn the top 10 John Petrucci solos, so this will have to do.

I have very carefully selected these solos from the entire Dream Theater, John Petrucci, and Liquid Tension Experiment catalog of both live and studio recordings. Of course there will be some omissions, it's like asking me to pick the Top 15 hottest playmates of all time: there's bound to be some good shit left out. Anyway, this is just one man's opinion, mine, but my opinion is the only one that matters anyway, you fuckers.

On with the list!

15. This Dying Soul
Facemelt: Extreme X 1000
Expressiveness: Low/Moderate
Style: Angry, Extreme Speed
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Train of Thought"

John Petrucci in aggressive mode. Starts out with an extremely quick shredfest with a couple excellent pauses and moves into an extreme unison cockwave session. I love this solo.

Listen!

14. When the Water Breaks
Facemelt: Moderate
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Melodic tracking, with nice flow.
From: Studio Liquid Tension Experiment Album "Liquid Tension Experiment: 2"


When the water breaks was written to express the birth of one of Petrucci's kids... I wish all childbirth was this cool (and didn't include taking home a child). Starts off smooth and expressive and moves into some quick and tasty stuff. Very cool solo indeed.

Listen!

13. Goodnight Kiss
Facemelt: Low / Moderate
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Smooth and Expressive with hints of pentatonic raunch.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence"


The minor key change in the middle of this solo gets me every time, and I am a huge sucker for the slow expressive intro. Some wicked blues riffs in the 2nd half.

Listen!

12. As I am
Facemelt: Extreme
Expressiveness: Low / Moderate
Style: Standard Heavy Shred
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Train of Thought"


Another extreme shredfest from Train of Thought, the heaviest dream theater album to date. Not only does this feature some lightning quick shredding but the pauses and bends are perfect. Great angry tune.

Listen!

11. Lost without you
Facemelt: Low transitioning to High
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Smooth Blues, building, extreme legato
From: Studio John Petrucci Solo Album "Suspended Animation"


This is without a doubt my favorite song from this album. This may be one of John's most expressive solos, I'm glad he finally took the time to record this and put it out there. Thanks John.

Listen!

10. Another Day
Facemelt: Moderate
Expressiveness: Extreme
Style: Guitargasm
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Images & Words"

The first "successful" Dream Theater album was successful for a reason, this song fucking rules god damn you. Why does it rule? Because John decided to unload all over the back of his guitar during the recording of "Another Day", that's why. Also, John's semen is corrosive, so he had to throw that fuckin' guitar out after.

Listen!

9. Blind Faith
Facemelt: Extreme
Expressiveness: High
Structure: Emotional Power Shred
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Six Degress of Inner Turbulence"

This is one of those solos I forgot about until I was listening to the song again one day recently and went "oh yeah, this fucking rules". Short and sweet (short by Petrucci standards anyway).

Listen!

8. The Glass Prison
Facemelt: Face Destroyer
Expressiveness: I could feel myself getting kicked in the face.
Style: Petruccinuts
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence"

This is one of those things that you listen to and go "How is that even possible" and then you look it up on youtube and find a bunch of Guitards trying to duplicate it and failing miserably. This is one of those solos I will never attempt to learn, or if I do, I wont ever tell anyone until I have to go in to get my arthritis fixed. Half sweep, half WTF, potentially the best 40 seconds in music history.

Listen!

7. Freedom of Speech
Facemelt: Low transitioning to High
Expressiveness: Very High
Style: Pants Creamer
From: Studio Liquid Tension Experiment Album "Liquid Tension Experiment"

This solo gives me chills every time I hear it. There really is no other way to describe its awesome powers. I'd love to see this one live, that's for sure.

Listen!

6. In The Name of God

Facemelt: Extreme
Expressiveness: Possible cure for cancer.
Style: WTF Gypsy!?
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Train of Thought"

Potentially one of the greatest songs ever created, this solo is among the more unique sounding solos from Dream Theater. I realize that some of this is a unison but whatever, it starts as a solo. Wicked bass backing track and some serious gypsy jam shred.

Listen!

5. Under a Glass Moon
Facemelt: Insane.
Expressiveness: High.
Style: "I know every technique, ever."
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Images & Words"

This is what I think happened during the recording of this solo:

*Lucifer enters room*:
The Devil: "Hey John, I bet you $3 can't make my face, which is constructed entirely of molten lava, melt off..."
*John Petrucci eats a fist full of broken glass*
*John Petrucci picks up guitar and records Under a Glass Moon Solo*
John Petrucci: "... and I fucked your sister."
*Lucifer's head explodes*
The End.

Listen!

4. Live Scenes from New York - Through Her Eyes
Facemelt: High.
Expressiveness: Very High.
Style: On-stage orgasm.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Life Scenes from New York"


Thought not his cleanest work, this half-improvised solo builds very nicely and unloads with large copious amounts of explosive guitarrhea all over the audience. Another one of the few solos that give me chills when I listen to it. This is just proof that John Petrucci can shit on a guitar and that shit will contain nothing but excellence.

Listen!

3. Never Enough
Facemelt: High.
Expressiveness: Extreme.
Structure: Technical Wizardry.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Octavarium"


I never really considered Octavarium to be a guitar-centric album, and this song isn't really an exception to that, except for about 1 minute where one of the coolest unison in the universe takes place. Some fantastic sweeps that express at the speed of light.

Listen!

2. Lines in the Sand
Facemelt: Moderate.
Expressiveness: Extreme.
Structure: Smooth bluesy overload.
From: Studio Dream Theater Album "Falling into Infinity"

Lines in the sand is from way back when Dream Theater was getting pushed around by bullshit record producers to make more "radio friendly" music... This is kind of an example of them really not falling in line... The solo is long, and way too fucking awesome for FM. Fuck you, producers!

Listen!

And now for the moment 1 person has been waiting for.. my only reader really, Greg.. the #1 petrucci solo of all time

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Yes I realize I've kind of neglected... well, not kind of... Ok, I've neglected my site for quite some time now... and I intend on posting something relevant in a while, but I figured I'd soften up you fucks with this first... This gave me quite a chuckle, he obviously didn't realize he didn't hang up the phone. Enjoy. No video, audio only.

You know, I was just having a discussion with a friend about how my blog is not just a cut-n-paste of other people's creative content - but this is just one video I had to put on here.



Fantastically well put. Kudos to The Amazing Atheist.

Palm trees, Ocean, Beach Sand, a stork fishing in the ocean.. These are just some of the things in my immediate view as I write this sentence. Yes, I am on vacation.


Yours truly, in a hammock in Key West.

Those of you who know me, also know that I have been talking about doing this for quite some time. Well I've finally done it and I'm about two thirds into the vacation as I write this. I know well in advance that people back home will be bitching incessantly for me to do a site update about this, and since I've got pretty much nothing to do right now I figured it might be a good idea to get a head start.

So, where to begin. When I planned this vacation, and by planned I mean "roughly outlined", I decided that I wanted to do a vacation that was more of an excursion, an adventure, not something conforming to the normal pay some money get on a plane to a resort and come home... but at the same time, I really like resorts. Anyway, I really enjoy driving, so I decided to take a road trip in combination with a few other things. I set out for a final destination of Key West, Florida. I did make a few stops along the way...

Day 1 - Friday

I decided to take Friday before my vacation as a vacation day, so I could get a jump on things. I was all packed and ready to go (for the most part) Thursday night (Random Writer's note: Storks are not attractive birds at all). I set my alarm for 0745h, got up, had a shower, and hit the road. Hard. I decided to shower before I left because it would probably be the only shower I would have for a couple days. I topped off my diesel supply in Windsor at the Esso station on Howard before eventually crossing into the states at the Bridge. I was of course greeted ever-so-warmly by the border guard insisting on me opening my trunk, and having him rifle through some of my shit. It wasn't the worst border crossing I've ever had, but it wasn't the best either. It was however certainly better than the time John and I decided to "go for a drive" at 0200h on a random weekday and cross into the states. They aren't huge fans of the reason "We're just going for a drive" at the border, apparently, but that is another story altogether.

So, I managed to drive 1000km without stopping, putting me just inside the Georgia state line when I eventually stopped for diesel. (Writer's Note: Beach attendant guy entirely too chipper.). Also note, when I say "without stopping" I mean that literally, 10 hours without stopping. I realized that day that constantly drinking water was a bad idea when making a long drive with the intention of "not stopping". I filled 5 water bottles myself during the trip. Now some might see this drive as "not really a vacation" and for the first hour and a bit I would agree with you, I was restless and bored - but then something happened where I just zoned in and started to enjoy it. It actually went by pretty fast. I spent most of it just listening to tunes or listening/sortof watching movies.

After 14.5 hours I started to feel like it was no longer safe to be driving, and decided to pull off at a rest center for an illegal overnight park. I was just 40 miles from the Florida Border. I managed to catch off/on sleep in my car for about 6 hours.

Day 2 - Saturday

I woke up at about 0650h after a restless and cramped sleep in my back seat in a sleeping bag. It got down pretty cold, it was only about 50 degrees Fahrenheit in the morning (Writers Note: Fuck you, I was in the states, so I can use Fahrenheit... shut up about me using kilometers, too). I had myself an apple from the giant-box of food I had with me and got back on the road.

It was a pretty swift drive into Orlando, with one little stop... I kept seeing, literally constantly, huge billboards for this "Orlando Ticket" outlet store which supposedly sold discount attraction tickets. I was mildly interested, because I planned to go to at least one "Touristy" attraction in Orlando, and after literally 15 or 20 signs, I figured it was worth a look and pulled off at the exit, only to find it was out of business. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE OVERSPENT ON ADVERTISING?! MAYBE?

I soldiered on to Orlando and stopped at a starbucks to grab some internet and something to drink. I managed to find a "4 star" hotel for $50/night + fees, it ended up costing about $61 and I was really looking forward to a shower. I showed up at my hotel (Rosen Plaza Hotel) in Orlando... it didn't feel like a 4 star room, but whatever.


Four Star Hotel Elevator Information System.

I had a shower and decided to go to the outlet mall I had been to back in 07'. I didn't find anything I liked at the outlet mall and was getting tired of walking around so I ended up heading to SeaWorld as my "one touristy theme park" trip. Some people might consider that the wrong choice but I am into marine life so it was like the only option for me. After parking it cost me nearly 100 god damn dollars and I was pretty livid with the pricing, and after the first 20 minutes in the park my mood was getting pretty sour, I just didn't feel it was worth it. After watching their "believe" show before leaving (that's the main event with Shamu) I totally feel I got my money's worth. It was pretty damned impressive.


Dolphin's are adorable, but apparently also assholes.


Polar bears are boring.


Mandatory horse picture for Emily from SeaWorld.


One of the orcas before the show.


Orca "intimidating" trainder.


Oh my fuck.


Chick trainer getting hurled into the air.


Crowd getting soaked, I was amused.


I wonder how much this guy gets paid to do this.


That's impressive synchronization right there..



And that's it for Sea World... I headed out in search of food because I hadn't really eaten anything for the majority of the day, I decided that I wanted some unlimited soup-salad- breadsticks at the olive garden. It was a pretty entertaining visit as there was a 25 minute wait just to get in, and I was a party of one and ended up getting seated at a table for four. When the waiter got to my table I could tell he was annoyed because he was expecting a tip from a party of four, and he was even more annoyed when I ordered the cheapest (and best) item on the menu. I tipped him something like 30% because I felt bad for the guy.

I headed back to the hotel and crashed early for some much needed bed-sleep.

Day 3 - Sunday

I woke up when what I thought was bright-and-early but it actually ended up being about 0930h because of the time change which I forgot about. Also the 1970's alarm clock in my "4 star" room was pretty confusing and had a non-standard AM/PM LED. Whatever, I was doing fine. I had a shower and hit the road for the Kennedy Space Center, the part of the trip I was definitely most excited about. Parking was free, which I was glad to see, and enterence to the visitors center and a full guided tour was only $60.

It was WELL worth it too, I got to see a lot more than I thought I would be able to see. As you can see by the pictures below.


Mockup of several rockets, also some random Asian.


Yes, an alligator at NASA. They are everywhere.


The Space Shuttle, at the launch pad, less than a mile away.


The building used to do final assembly and rollout of space vehicles. Built to accomdate Saturn V's


An ACTUAL Saturn V rocket! (These were used during the Apollo Program.


Some of the Saturn V's main engines


Another shot to show the shear size of this thing... About twice the height of the space shuttle


A shot of the lunar lander cockpit (mockup).


Actual assembly floor of International Space Station Modules. It was Sunday so no workers were present.



After I headed out of there I decided to follow highway 1 (which is the coastal highway) south towards Miami. I stopped briefly at Cocoa Beach, which by the way is not as nice as advertised. I continued on through what I will call "Ghetto Florida" and stopped at a local Subway to grab some dinner, I got to watch the store manager argue with some rich teenage bitch who was stealing pop from the fountain machine (or as he called it SODA. YOU'RE STEALING SODA!!) - It was awkard and uncomfortable.

I kept driving stop and go on the coastal highway until I hit Palm Beach. I decided to steal some wireless internet from a local Plaza and find a hotel. I booked a "2 star" hotel through hotwire and it ended up being the "Inn of America" - When I arrived at the hotel and realized I had to checkin through a plate glass window as if I was buying something at a convenience store in the more delightful parts of Detroit, I was a little bit nervous. When I got to the room though, it was actually a nicer place than the "4 star" I had stayed at in Orlando. Go Figure. (Writers note: Different stork now, a little more attractive than the "nigger stork" from previous... still ugly.)

Went to bed... end of day.

Day 4 - Monday

I got up pretty early (around 0800h) with the intention of doing a local shore dive. I found a local dive shop on the GPS, and headed out, only to find out it was someone's house... Thanks Garmin. I found another local dive shop, and when I arrived I was greeted (or should I say not greeted?) by a guy arguing about his wife or something on the phone, totally ignoring me (the only customer in the store). This guy was what I would describe as a 50's greaser but in Australian form. He continued to bitch on the phone while I continued to stand there. About 4 or 5 minutes passed when he finally got off the phone to attend to me, but he treated it like it was a chore. I asked him if there were any decent shore dives in the area and if I could rent a tank. After some sketchy information he pointed to a tank and said "it'll be that one there" and charged my _$16_ to rent a tank. (SIXTEEN BUCKS? WHAT THE FUCK??) I double checked and asked "The tank closest to the door?" to which he responded "Yes." - I think you can see where this story is going.

Anyway, I grabbed the tank and headed to the area he described... It wasn't looking all that interesting, and there was a lot of boat traffic, and I was by myself without a diver-down flag so I Was already not really confident about this. I decided that I would just stay inland a bit more... I grabbed my gear and threw my regs on the tank only to find out it was empty. I guess in retrospect I should have blew a little air off in the store just to check and make sure, but I didn't. The reason why he didn't see me grab the wrong tank when I left is so he could get back on the phone to bitch. I headed back to the dive shop (pissed off at this point) and demanded a refund. He clicked two buttons on his computer after asking me my last name and supposedly "refunded to my credit card" but didn't ask for my credit card. I have a receipt for the refund but I swear if it doesn't show up they are going to get a lot of angry phone calls and will be signed up for a lot of telemarketer spam. (Writer's Update 14/03/09: Still hasn't shown up on the credit card... Fucking snake, I knew it.)

By the way, the name of the dive shop is "Brownies Palm Beach Divers" Be sure to avoid them. I'll be sure to think of a creative "fuck you" for them.

At this point I was pretty miserable and decided to say fuck it to Miami and the rest of the area - I jumped on the Florida Turnpike (or as I like to call it "Toll booth every 5 fucking minutes highway") and headed for the Keys. Once I got past Miami and reconnected with highway-1 I realized that it was going to be a long trip. There is only ONE road into the keys, and it stops at every town and for the most part the max speed you're going to achieve is only about 45mph, with an abundance of traffic. I made several stops along the way, the nicest was the beach on the Honda Key, which was, well, pretty nice.


The Gulf of Mexico as seen from the Florida Key's.

Bahia Honda State Park - Beach Area

Me, On KEY RAMROD!
I decided to keep on Truckin to key west, where I would wrap up my vacation. When I arrived in key west I pulled off the road and stole some wireless and started to search for what I would describe as a "nicer hotel". I was expecting to pay roughly double what I was paying for the rest of the trip, like $100 a night, well, the only thing you can get in Key West for $100 is apparently nothing but the simplest crap. (Writer's note: Watching beach staff guy and mysterious cigarette smoking woman hit on each other is mildly amusing. She looks like a real ugly Alanis Moresette)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the hotel. I found something called the "Casa Marina Beach Club and resort" on a few different discount hotel sites, namely priceline.com and expedia. Expedia wanted $299/night and Priceline $230/night. I offered as much as $180/night on priceline for a "resort" in Key West but was rejected every time. I decided to bite the bullet and go with 3-nights here for $230/night. Of course thats without the extra fees, the total ended up being about $730 for the the 3 nights, American. A tidy sum to be sure.


Welcome to Key West, Faggio Capital of The USA.

So I headed on to the hotel to checkin, they also want $12/night for parking. Jerkoffs. After arriving in my room and noticing the regular price is $599/night - I started to understand why this place was so expensive. It is pretty damn nice here. In fact I'm typing this right now from a hammock on the beach, strung between two palm trees, overlooking the Atlantic ocean. The resort isn't overly busy either which is nice.

I spent the remainder of the day laying in a hammock playing some guitar at night. Here are some shots of the resort:


Sunset in Key West.


Sunset in Key West.


A super-comfortable hammock.


My handicapped-accessible shower.


The main grounds at the resort.


The beach at the resort.


Ugly resort Stork.

The weather here has been nothing short of spectacular. I did not see any rain the entire trip down or the vacation (thus far). Pretty much everywhere in Florida it has been about 82 degrees during the day and about 70 degrees at night. - Just awesome. Humidity around 60%. Perfect weather.

Day 5 - Tuesday

That brings us to today. (Writer's Note: Parasailing looks awesomely dangerous). I had a decent sleep last night and I'm now laying in the sun in a hammock writing this. I am attempting to tan a bit. I put SPF15 on everywhere except my face which is SPF70. I am starting to think sPF15 might have not been sufficient. I may be sunburnt, I have been out here a while. Weather right now is about 78 degrees, a little windy, and they are offering waverunner rentals all day... I may check it out if it's not ridiculously expensive (which it probably is).

I'm here for 3 nights and will be leaving very early Thursday morning, heading back home to catch a relaxing weekend in familiar territory before work.

I really don't know what I'm going to do for the next couple days... (Writer's Note: This is where I stopped writing for the day... I am now picking this up from home)
Ok, so I decided to go diving. I caught an afternoon charter from Dive Key West (creative name..) and did two one hour dives on the reef out on the Atlantic side. The first tank was what I would describe as not-too-great visibility, I could only see about 30 feet in front of me. There were strong surge currents and the surface was choppy. Depth was about 20 feet. I saw much ocean life and lots of coral. The second dive was a lot better, visibility was reaching into the 75 foot range, though the currents were still quite strong if not stronger. I saw many smaller fish and apparently there was a 4 foot barracuda close by as well as a huge Manta Ray, but I didn't see these unfortunately.


Dive boat, on our return trip on the Atlantic.

That was pretty much it for Tuesday, diving is tiring.

Day 6 - Wednesday

There isn't much to report about Wednesday, it was my last day at the resort and I spent it doing resort type things, like relaxing on the beach, swimming and generally doing not much of anything at all. I went to bed early in anticipation of departing very early Thursday morning...

Day 7 - Thursday

I woke up at 0500h and had a quick shower, a double espresso, and got in the car. My plan was to get out of the Key's really early in the morning to avoid traffic, and it worked. I was well on my way.

I made excellent time through Florida and temperatures stayed in the mid 80's all morning. The were as high as 89 degrees in southern georgia but I soon drove into a wall of cold, temperatures dropped from upper 70's into lower 40's within a 50km stretch of highway. It was nuts. By the time I hit tennesee at night I was driving in a freezing rain storm in the mountains with fog like I had never seen in my life. I carried on, albeit slowly, through the storm and through Kentucky which was also disastrous weather. They must not get much snow up there because every other car was headed for the ditch, I didn't find it all that bad honestly.

After driving for a little bit more than 25 hours only stopping for fuel, I made it home. It kind of felt like an accomplishment just to stay awake that long. I woke up in Key West and went to bed in Tilbury, Ontario. I actually enjoyed the drive believe it or not.


Trip meter displaying the total km's around trip: 5322.7km
Onboard navigation for the total trip. Note a small discrepancy on KM's, the car is more accurate. (radio not always on)

That pretty much sums up the vacation. All in all I would describe it as a very positive experience, minus a few annoyances and a battered and bruised